Define 'Ugly'

When I arrived at work this morning, Carrie and Shannon were standing in the fishbowl, Shannon with her hand out, palm up, while Carrie held a ring dangling from a chain above it. I've heard about people using that trick to determine the sex of their baby before, so my first thought was "NOOOOOO! Shannon knows I will kick her smack in the hiney if she gets knocked up this year!"

Turns out Carrie had heard at a party last weekend how people did it to determine the gender and number of future kids. Future. As in you don't have to be currently pregnant. As in Shannon is spared...for now. So after determining Shannon's parental future (3 boys, 1 girl), Carrie did it for Aimee (2 boys, 1 girl) and Diane (3 boys, 1 girl). She couldn't do it to me as I'm not married and as they teach on 7th Heaven, no unmarried girl has ever gotten pregnant unless she's a sleazy whore.

Later that day I was talking to a friend over IM about the party trick and the conversation turned into her current baby in utero. She really wants this to be the last one but it's another boy so it could change things. "Maybe if he has blue eyes that will be the determining factor if this is the last one!" she said.

I told her that I really hoped if I ever have a baby that it has blue eyes and is cute. I really want a cute baby, cause I don't know that I could handle it if I had an ugly baby. I mean, I know parents love their kids no matter what blah blah blah, but you honestly have to know you spawned a member of the Uggs Class. As a parent, if you are being honest with yourself you have to be able to look at your baby and go, "well, at least they have a cute personality!" or "At least I can dress it in really cute clothing to mask the misshapen head and Dumbo ears."

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying just because they are cute babies means they are going to grow up to be cute adults. I just feel like responsible parenting is knowing when to get them fit for their very first paper bag. Otherwise you are just subjecting your friends to an awkward situation wherein you are forcing them to lie to you, no matter how creative they are. Here are some phrases that might be uttered that will help indicate you have a future radio dj on your hands:

"Oh, what a cute outfit!"

"Oh. He is just so...special!"

"What a fun personality!"

"*Crickets chirping*"

"Aww. He/she is so...precious!"

"Well he's definately something else!"

Parents are sleep deprived and will believe anything. They are too tired to truely understand what you mean by these comments and will thank you and continue on in their insomnial delusion (aka cute baby syndrome). You just need to avoid saying what you are truely thinking which is probably "That is the most hideous baby I have ever seen. You shouldn't even bring that thing in public. What were you thinking when giving birth? That thing needs to be in a zoo."

*PS if you are offended by this, you probably shouldn't be reading my blog. I'm not really known for being nice.*