Mary Poppins: The Lush
The holidays are a joyous occasion. They bring the traditions that bring families together and provide unity amongst our fellow man. Unfortunately they also bring horrible music and lousy television programming. Case in point: “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” and 2004’s “Nick and Jessica Family Christmas”. However, these examples at least provide a good moral compass by which to live. Grandma was run over by the reindeer heading home from her family’s house on Christmas Eve. And although Jessica Simpson really could be the most annoying entertainer to grace Hollywood in the 21st Century, she tried to bring her equally annoying family into our homes on that obnoxious holiday hour. The real problem is in holiday programming which APPEARS to be wholesome, but in fact promotes something far more sinister: alcoholism. The show in question? Mary Poppins.
Yes, you read that correctly, good ole Mary Poppins: seemingly innocent but like her trick bag hiding a much darker, deeper secret. Now you may be wondering why one would conclude the British nanny is a lush, but I have my reasons. I give you the 10 undisputable facts that prove her hidden addiction:
#1: She drinks “medicine” from an unmarked bottle. Not only is it suspicious that it is undefined medicine, but as it can taste like anything, she declares it tastes like rum punch. That’s right…RUM PUNCH. The expression on her face tells the viewer that it wasn’t the first dip into the rum punch for Ms. Poppins. Mmmm, mmmm good.
Being the 1960s there was no diet coke can to hold the “Jesus Juice” like Michael Jackson, but it is a bit disturbing to think that even then children were okay with blindly accepting unknown beverages from adults.
#2: The physical description of one Mary Poppins? “Rosy cheeks” and a “cheery disposition.” I believe those terms quite accurately describe a drunk, don’t you? The first indication for most of drinking spirits is feeling flushed. Bright red cheeks are a dead giveaway. Mary always appears to be blushing. She is constantly carrying her compact, which she pulls out several times to cover up her “rosy cheeks.”
People are quite often happy and CHEERY when they are drunk. She is a nanny and never raises her voice or feels overwhelmed? How can that be? Children are definitely more bearable when you are smashed. Even the 1950’s supermom’s went to their doctors in droves, seeking medical repute from their brats. They were prescribed medicine laced with liquor and drugs. Perhaps this medicine came in unmarked bottles?
Also, she actually believes Burt is funny. Drunken people find many lame things/people funny. “A man with a wooden leg named Smith?” Come on!
#3: Mary Poppins suffers from dementia, probably brought on by an excess of alcohol consumption. There are many examples of this throughout the movie.
She talks and sings to animated animals, birds and her umbrella and actually believes them to be talking and singing back. She has entire conversations with these imaginary figures and completes dance sequences alongside them.
She also believes she can fly. Jim Morrison believed he could fly as well. In fact, he referred to himself as the “Lizard King.” Morrison’s dementia was more a case of excessive drug use but I think it’s more or less a mood-altering chemical tomato/tomahto.
I believe the scariest example of this dementia is represented when she believes she can transport herself, Burt and the children into a painted landscape by simply jumping onto it. I have jumped onto quite a few things in my life, never making it into the crack, hopscotch box or magical trampoline fiber world lurking beneath. Mary Poppins then proceeds to dance in costume alongside animated cows, chickens and pigs all singing her praise. Slightly odd, don’t you agree?
#4: She wears pink shoes with a red dress. No sober woman would ever wear that. Point made.
#5: Mary Poppins drinks “tea” on the ceiling with a rosy cheeked uncle who cannot stop giggling. Alcoholism is genetic. See #2 in regards to the physical description of a drunk. This fits the uncle precisely. And we have no way of knowing if it really is tea, now do we? We obviously cannot trust her word on that matter.
#6: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. It is very difficult to speak correctly when hammered. Oftentimes it is just a matter of slurring words together, or snapping your fingers, saying “uh, uh” until someone slightly less drunk than you comes up with the proper word. A functioning drunk, however, can replace these forgotten words with something fantastic to distract the sober from their rosy cheeks and cheery disposition. Plus drunk people like fun things. And supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is nothing if it is not a fun word.
#7: Another fun thing drunk people like to do is sing and dance. Mary enjoys breaking into song and dance whenever she can. It does not matter where she is, or who she is with. You can bet her foot will start tapping and she will start belting songs at every turn. As with most drunk song and dance, they are not so much fun to watch if you are sober.
#8: After the chimney sweeps ruin Mr. Banks’ house, he demands an explanation. She says she never explains anything. Is this because she WON’T explain anything or because she CAN’T explain anything because she can’t remember? Black out drunks are the worst, don’t you think? And really, you shouldn’t be floating up chimneys and dancing on London rooftops if you can’t even remember it later. That’s just irresponsible.
#9: Mary Poppins has a shocking amount of confidence. This is common in drunks. They oftentimes believe they can do anything, such as fly or jump into chalk art. She also believes that nothing she does is wrong; she is “practically perfect in every way.” This leads us back to #3, dementia. No one is perfect, not even me.
#10: Drunks are oftentimes ashamed of their behavior. They do things that are inappropriate that a sober person would never do. They say things a sober person would never say. They are also proven to be unreliable and bad with money, often owing much to creditors. To avoid being caught they flee quickly, as Mary does at the end of the movie. She leaves without saying goodbye; even to the children that her umbrella is convinced she loves.
Her reason for leaving is that the wind changed directions. This still doesn’t prove her innocence as we all know that alcohol smells. Smells are carried downwind. If she had stayed they would have all started smelling the rum punch and that would not have been good.
So as you can see, Mary Poppins is not the lovable nanny we once believed her to be. The signs all point to her needing a few AA meetings and someone to take away her medicine bottle. Let’s all raise our glasses and toast her recovery!
Yes, you read that correctly, good ole Mary Poppins: seemingly innocent but like her trick bag hiding a much darker, deeper secret. Now you may be wondering why one would conclude the British nanny is a lush, but I have my reasons. I give you the 10 undisputable facts that prove her hidden addiction:
#1: She drinks “medicine” from an unmarked bottle. Not only is it suspicious that it is undefined medicine, but as it can taste like anything, she declares it tastes like rum punch. That’s right…RUM PUNCH. The expression on her face tells the viewer that it wasn’t the first dip into the rum punch for Ms. Poppins. Mmmm, mmmm good.
Being the 1960s there was no diet coke can to hold the “Jesus Juice” like Michael Jackson, but it is a bit disturbing to think that even then children were okay with blindly accepting unknown beverages from adults.
#2: The physical description of one Mary Poppins? “Rosy cheeks” and a “cheery disposition.” I believe those terms quite accurately describe a drunk, don’t you? The first indication for most of drinking spirits is feeling flushed. Bright red cheeks are a dead giveaway. Mary always appears to be blushing. She is constantly carrying her compact, which she pulls out several times to cover up her “rosy cheeks.”
People are quite often happy and CHEERY when they are drunk. She is a nanny and never raises her voice or feels overwhelmed? How can that be? Children are definitely more bearable when you are smashed. Even the 1950’s supermom’s went to their doctors in droves, seeking medical repute from their brats. They were prescribed medicine laced with liquor and drugs. Perhaps this medicine came in unmarked bottles?
Also, she actually believes Burt is funny. Drunken people find many lame things/people funny. “A man with a wooden leg named Smith?” Come on!
#3: Mary Poppins suffers from dementia, probably brought on by an excess of alcohol consumption. There are many examples of this throughout the movie.
She talks and sings to animated animals, birds and her umbrella and actually believes them to be talking and singing back. She has entire conversations with these imaginary figures and completes dance sequences alongside them.
She also believes she can fly. Jim Morrison believed he could fly as well. In fact, he referred to himself as the “Lizard King.” Morrison’s dementia was more a case of excessive drug use but I think it’s more or less a mood-altering chemical tomato/tomahto.
I believe the scariest example of this dementia is represented when she believes she can transport herself, Burt and the children into a painted landscape by simply jumping onto it. I have jumped onto quite a few things in my life, never making it into the crack, hopscotch box or magical trampoline fiber world lurking beneath. Mary Poppins then proceeds to dance in costume alongside animated cows, chickens and pigs all singing her praise. Slightly odd, don’t you agree?
#4: She wears pink shoes with a red dress. No sober woman would ever wear that. Point made.
#5: Mary Poppins drinks “tea” on the ceiling with a rosy cheeked uncle who cannot stop giggling. Alcoholism is genetic. See #2 in regards to the physical description of a drunk. This fits the uncle precisely. And we have no way of knowing if it really is tea, now do we? We obviously cannot trust her word on that matter.
#6: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. It is very difficult to speak correctly when hammered. Oftentimes it is just a matter of slurring words together, or snapping your fingers, saying “uh, uh” until someone slightly less drunk than you comes up with the proper word. A functioning drunk, however, can replace these forgotten words with something fantastic to distract the sober from their rosy cheeks and cheery disposition. Plus drunk people like fun things. And supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is nothing if it is not a fun word.
#7: Another fun thing drunk people like to do is sing and dance. Mary enjoys breaking into song and dance whenever she can. It does not matter where she is, or who she is with. You can bet her foot will start tapping and she will start belting songs at every turn. As with most drunk song and dance, they are not so much fun to watch if you are sober.
#8: After the chimney sweeps ruin Mr. Banks’ house, he demands an explanation. She says she never explains anything. Is this because she WON’T explain anything or because she CAN’T explain anything because she can’t remember? Black out drunks are the worst, don’t you think? And really, you shouldn’t be floating up chimneys and dancing on London rooftops if you can’t even remember it later. That’s just irresponsible.
#9: Mary Poppins has a shocking amount of confidence. This is common in drunks. They oftentimes believe they can do anything, such as fly or jump into chalk art. She also believes that nothing she does is wrong; she is “practically perfect in every way.” This leads us back to #3, dementia. No one is perfect, not even me.
#10: Drunks are oftentimes ashamed of their behavior. They do things that are inappropriate that a sober person would never do. They say things a sober person would never say. They are also proven to be unreliable and bad with money, often owing much to creditors. To avoid being caught they flee quickly, as Mary does at the end of the movie. She leaves without saying goodbye; even to the children that her umbrella is convinced she loves.
Her reason for leaving is that the wind changed directions. This still doesn’t prove her innocence as we all know that alcohol smells. Smells are carried downwind. If she had stayed they would have all started smelling the rum punch and that would not have been good.
So as you can see, Mary Poppins is not the lovable nanny we once believed her to be. The signs all point to her needing a few AA meetings and someone to take away her medicine bottle. Let’s all raise our glasses and toast her recovery!
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