It wasn't what he said, it was how he said it

This is part of the local hospital campus. While waiting for a red light today I was reminded of the story from the last time I was at the hospital.

(This is the part where Wayne and Garth drift across the screen, wiggling their fingers and making the 'diddleadoo' noise to indicate a flashback.)

It was last fall and I had gone to a class at the hospital one evening as part of their outreach program. When I walked in I noticed it was actually an enormous room with two sets of doors and vendors lined up on either side. There were three sections worth of tables, each with about 15 rows of seats facing the front where the speakers would be addressing the audience.

The first vendor was a local bakery whose specialty is gluten-free breads. I stopped and was looking at the breads, but decided I would get some water and a seat before I just took a loaf. So I picked a seat on the opposite side of the room in the very back row. Once I had set the bag of goodies they had given me at reception I went back to talk to the bread lady.

This guy came up behind me and interrupted my conversation with her. I figured he cared more than I did about what she had to say so grabbed a loaf and sat back down for the first speaker. During the 15 intermission between the first and second topics, I went to the vendor on the other side of the room, closer to me. The woman and I were discussing cookbooks when the man approached me again and said hi. I said hello back and then all hell broke loose.

The man said, and I quote "I saw you walk into the room and was on the phone with my assistant," (It was at this moment I realized he was the douche I had seen with the bluetooth on his ear when I walked in. He was still wearing it.) "I own my own company you know. And I told her I had to call her back cause mmmm I just had to meet you."

Um. WTF?

"Can I give you my card?"

"Sure." I'm so throwing that card away the minute I get home.

"Really? You'll take my card?"

"Sure." Freak.

"Hi, I'm _______."

Please don't stick out your hand. Please don't stick out your hand.

He sticks out his hand for a handshake.

Damn, ew. Am I wearing a nametag? I am. Damn. "Jamie." Begrudgingly hold out my hand. Man, I wish I was one of those losers who carried anti-bacterial soap with me.

"So, Jamie, would you call me sometime?"

"Um sure." Not a chance in hell you creepy freak.

At this point the vendor comes back with a book and number I guess the two of them had talked about earlier. Using this interruption as a perfect time to slip away I walked (ran) back to my seat and threw his card into my bag, thinking that was the end of it.

Nope. Never underestimate a weirdo with a crush.

As the second speaker began his presentation, Creepy Man turned his chair around (from the front row all the way across the room) so he could stare at me the entire time. For an hour I had this guy staring at me from across the room with a smirk (smile?) on his face.

I looked at the itinerary and decided that although I was interested in the third presenter, I wasn't interested enough to handle another 15 minutes of whatever that was so carefully packed up my items under the desk and prepared to bolt the minute they called for a break.

I underestimated the freak as at that moment he decided to head towards me. Heck no!

I took off to the podium where a crowd had gathered so I could ask the 2nd speaker a few questions. Creepy Man followed. I snuck through the crowd and headed back to my desk where I grabbed my bags and took off through the 2nd entrance. Creepy Man followed. I RAN to the elevator as the doors were starting to close. Creepy Man followed. Stupid other passenger let him in.

The elevator ride up consisted of me digging through my purse and calling my friend while listening to him talk loudly to someone else about his extensive wine collection and Porsche. My friend was very confused as to why I was calling when I had just seen her an hour before my class and the conversation was very halted and awkward.

As we exited the elevator, I stayed on the phone. "Oh what are you making for dinner?" "What were you going to watch on tv tonight?" I ended up in the elevator at the parking garage even though I was only one flight up. I was hoping Creepy Man would take the stairs. Murphy's Law decided he should also take the elevator.

"Can you press 2 for me?" he asked one of the other men.

Well no friggin way I'm going to 2 then. "Can you press 4?" I asked.

And of course, the elevator doesn't work so all of us that had piled in now had to pile back out and take the stairs. I opted to walk with a couple of people to the stairs around the corner, away from Creepy Man. I walked up the first flight of steps and hid on the landing between floors. I'll just wait here. Give him a couple of minutes to get in his car and leave. Oh crap. He's creepy enough he'll come to these stairs just to see where I went. I can't just be hiding here when he checks it out. So I walk back down the stairs and take that elevator (which did work, thankfully).

I press 5 and ride it all the way to the top. All the way back to 1. All the way back to 5. All the way back to 1. All the way back to 5. I had to have killed enough time by now. Take it back to 2 and exit.

You know that parking garage scene that is in every thriller ever made? The one where the poor, frightened girl is walking alone in a dark parking garage when suddenly a car starts, blinding her with its headlights and races at her? Yeah, that would be what happened, only he stopped as he got to me and rolled down the window.

"I thought you parked on 4."

I am going to be murdered tonight. "Oh, haha. I forgot where I parked."

"Do you need a ride to your car?"

You might get away with murdering me but I'm not dumb enough to just walk into your car. You will have to work for it. "No, I'm good thanks."

"Yeah, I crashed my Porsche the other day, and this Chevy Malibu was all they had at the rental place."

"Oh that sucks." I wonder how he'll murder me. He doesn't look like he has a gun but he also looks too lazy to have to do all that slashing with a knife.

"So are you really going to call me?"

"Um." If I say yes maybe he'll let me live and plan on murdering me later. "Yes?"

"Really!?!?"

"Um, sure. Okay, well I need to go now. Bye."

I walk slowly, waiting for his car to drive around the corner and down the parking garage before making it to my car. I get in and immediately lock the door. I call my friend from the elevator call and tell her sort of what happened and why I was being weird earlier. Then my best friend calls and I sit in the car with the doors locked and everything turned off while I tell her the story over the next 5 minutes. As I hang up with her, I start the engine and turn around to back out of the spot.

His car screeches up behind me and blocks me into the spot. I roll down my window a crack and he yells out through his open passenger window.

"I just wanted to make sure you got to your car okay!!"

No, I'm seriously going to die tonight. I wonder if I have enough time to call someone before he shoves me in his trunk. "Yeah, I'm good thanks."

He then backs his car up so I have to pull out in front of him. I take out from the parking garage like a bat out of hell and start weaving through a web of neighborhood streets to lose him. At some point over the next 20 minutes I do manage to lose him and I drive home, frightened and paranoid.

I run from the car to my house and go through each room, making sure the doors and windows are all locked. I then call my best friend back to let her know I made it home alive. I am, in fact, still alive today and haven't seen Creepy Man since.

Needless to say I never called him. I have something against being murdered. I'm just weird like that.