Wicked Smart

Autumn has been living in Australia for over a year now and at the moment is driving the Great Ocean Road in the southern part of the country with her parents. They went to Phillips Island and saw the tiny penguins (a personal bucket list item of mine) and have been enjoying the views of the road as they make their way to Melbourne. This is the picture she decided to share from their travels. Although I am happy for my friends and always like to hear stories and get shot glasses from their vacations, it annoys me that I am stuck here..at work...yet again..while they are off having fun. Misery loves company and I'm all alone.

I hate spring. In fact, I hate spring so much I wrote a little story about it. I bring you: Carl the Lion, written March 31, 2005. Once upon a time there was a cuddly lion named Carl. Carl loved to tiptoe through the tulips and frolic in the daffodil fields. One spring Carl devolped this horrible quasi-disease called allergies. These allergies made him sneeze and cry whenever he was near the beloved tulips and daffodils. Carl could no longer tiptoe or frolic even with the help of contac, provided by his local pharmacist, Hans the aardvark. It was very sad. Carl began to dislike Spring very much and was filled with much joy when the rain finally came. The End

Apparently, the shipping Gods have decided to mess with me once again. This time, a package arrived for me in a box. A box that was flattened and taped on either end. The return sender had hand-written "me paradise" in the corner of the label. Hmm. The first thing that I thought of was the classic children's book "Are you there God, it's me Margaret" except, instead of a pre-teen religiously confused girl who wants boobies, my package was sent by Paradise, that little piece of heaven with sun, sand, mojitos and shiny, chiseled men. I open it up to find a calendar I had ordered for one of the guys at work from Mead publications entitled "Paradise." Oh. It all makes sense now. So I instant message Jason and tell him his calendar has arrived. "You've made my day," he responds, to which I write back "No, I've technically made your year." And then I laugh and laugh at how clever and witty I am. Later, he came to pick up

There was an ambulance for one of my neighbors tonight. This is the 2nd time in 6 months that particular unit has needed an ambulance. I'm not really sure what the reason is, whether they were taken to the hospital or treated at home...really about anything. The only thing I do know, is that it is kind of trippy to walk into your completely darkened bathroom and see lights flashing. Hopefully whoever is injured/sick is okay...

This guy is just absolutely amazing. I am not generally a fan of "beach pictures." I like the beach, desperately want to be laying on a beach, pina colada in hand but in terms of nature, I am a mountains/lake kind of a girl all the way. Call it a true Washingtonian perogative. Sometime last year I was watching Good Morning America while getting ready for work, and they interviewed this photographer named Clark Little. He specializes in tropical photos taken "inside the wave." What he does, is stand on the shore and basically waits around with his underwater camera to get pummeled by a giant wave, and then starts snapping. There are some pretty cool shots on his website, which is where I pulled these from. The only downside is that his pictures are quite expensive, so it will be awhile before I can create a wall of cool shots in my home. I guess there is a 2nd downside too, in that they are all so amazing, it's hard to pick a favorite. Mine seems to chang

Not exactly sure how this conversation got started but somehow the fishbowl started talking about breast milk. Unnamed participant #1 mentioned her husband tried it, after a dare (like that makes it any less gross or more manly), and said it tasted like the milk after eating a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. This is the moment that unnamed participant #2 decided to mention she had brought honey nut cheerios and milk for lunch. Needless to say, it was automatically voted picture of the day. Mmm mmm breast milk!

If anyone needs earphones that block out all other sounds, I recommend SkullCandy earphones. Carrie constantly thinks I ignore her. Truth is, I just can't hear her. When you add Shannon to the mix, it ends in them throwing paper clips at me to get my attention.

This stuff is simply brillant. A couple of months ago I needed detergent and saw Purex 3-in-1 on sale for $3.99. I had seen the commercials for it and had never really given it any thought as I was partial to my Gain Apple Mango Tango detergent and fabric softener. I was also a little skeptical as I am allergic to dryer sheets and thought it would cause me to sneeze like they do, but it was $3.99 so I figured I would give it a go. I am so glad I did! It's not like a Downy Ball is exactly time consuming or hard to work with, but it is so nice to just throw a sheet in with the load and not have to dig around to find anything when you transfer it to the dryer. Plus, you eliminate the whole mess of possibly spilling, and especially when you get to the end of liquid detergent or fabric softener and it comes out of some magical second hole and gets all over your hand. I just realized I sound like those morons in the Perfect Pasta commercials who can't even make spaghetti by talk

The tacky fish crap just won't leave me alone!!! So, after calling UPS the other day, the driver came by at 7:30 that night and picked up the box (hooray!). The next night, however, someone else from UPS came by at 9:00pm and said he was the guy I spoke with on the phone and he just lived down the road so thought he would come by after work and pick up the package. I told him the driver had come by and picked it up the night before and so he mosied along (side note: i really think we should use the term "mosey" more often). I thought that was the end of it. I was wrong. Today, I got home and checked the mail. In it, I found a postcard from UPS which says: "On February 18, 2010, we received a package for you from MACY'S #610. We are unable to complete delivery because: APARTMENT NUMBER NEEDED, NOT DELIVERED. Please pick up your package at the above address. The package will be returned to the sender on 25 FEB 2010." Seriously? Seriously?? Send it back

This is our long, boring, professional hallway. This is our long, boring, professional hallway with 75 feet of bubble wrap. This is what employees left behind do with 75 feet of bubble wrap in a long, boring, professional hallway.

You can't really see it, but the bag is labeled "t-bags". Apparently I'm not very mature...

Hello obsession. I see we meet again. This is my bootlegged copy of The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets' Nest, the 3rd and final book in the Stieg Larsson trilogy. The first two books were so crazy good Carrie and I paid a ridiculous amount of money to buy the third online from Belgium, months before it is published in the US. (Ha ha take that law-abidding American readers!) If you fail to get in touch with me the next few days, you know why.

Happy Fat Tuesday! Wear those beads proudly!!!

There might be some answers to the Fish Plate Confusion 2010, hooray! I got home tonight to find a slip from UPS hanging on my doorknob. Apparently, some woman named Samantha *insert my last name* inquired with UPS about a package from Macy that hadn't arrived. The notice indicated that the driver had dropped it off on the 9th. Luckily, they included the number and tracking sequence number so I can call tomorrow and try and get the fish crap out of my house. Yea!

This is an open post to Carrie, to let her know that in case our books don't arrive I've got her (our) back(s). I found this email I wrote to this company in November, 2007 regarding a calendar I had ordered that hadn't arrived. I have to say it cracked me up. So, without futher adeiu (I just realized I don't know how to spell that), I give you "Angry Consumer Jamie": Are you guys kidding me? On Friday it will have been 3 months since I placed my order. I have only received one email from your shit company since then, and only after I emailed you twice regarding the status of my order. I have emailed you since then and have not heard a peep from your company. That leads me to several conclusions: #1: you are a scam and stole my money without any promise of merchandise intended #2: your employees were in some freak accident which lowered their IQ to that of a slightly retarded water buffalo and you feel bad (perhaps you were behind the wheel of the bus tha

Let there be light!

Oh Ikea, how I love thee. I love your crazy maze of stuff, made from designers I can't pronounce. I love your casino like quality of inconsistent lighting and zero clocks. I love how you stick the kids in a little glass room filled with balls, so people eating lunch can point and laugh, and then continue shopping free from dirty hands and screaming brats. Ikea is just further proof that Sweden rocks. (As if Freddie wasn't enough proof.)

This is Heather, my best friend since the second grade when her giant-ass family moved to Sumner.*PS I'm not implying her family consists of people with giant asses, only that there are so many people in the family the sheer number of asses, regardless of size, is vast.* We have been through anything and everything you can imagine. She lives down south so I never get to see her which, as far as I'm concerned, is an unbearable tragedy. Here are a few of my favorite memories over the years. * Singing "Unchained Melody" at the top of our lungs on the school bus on afternoon. It really sounded like we were drunk, and we knew this...but did not care. * Watching Speed every afternoon after school, and being able to recite every word. * The Star Wars skit we performed for her mom and her video camera. Luke, I am your father! No! No! It had hand motions and imaginary Lea hair and everything. It was sa-weet. * Dressing like the girls from Clueless and trying to talk like

Everyone likes to give me crap about my couponing...I believe I have heard the phrase "coupon obsession" uttered a few times, however, it is my belief that there is no reason to pay full price for something when you don't have to. Coupons are free money and it takes me 30-60 minutes on Sunday morning to clip, organize and make my list for the week, which I usually accomplish while watching something cheesy on tv. And that 30-60 minutes can "earn" me anywhere from 40-70% off of items I need or will need in the future. To me, it seems almost silly to not coupon. Anyways, I had to pick up garbage bags today, so stopped by Rite Aid, where thanks to my handy dandy scissoring skills, I purchased all of this and paid $10 out of pocket! Go me!

I got these stickers for when I actually take up scrapbooking again (hahahahahaha) and get around to scrapbooking Amanda's and my roadtrip around Southern Washington and Oregon, where we went searching for Bigfoot and gnomes. Plus, they have springs in them so go Boing! Boing!

I arrived home this evening to a rather large box on my doorstep. I had to think about everything I had recently ordered, and decided it had all already arrived (except for our books-Carrie they should be here next week, I hope!!!)so wasn't sure what it could be. I saw that it was, in fact, addressed to me, and sent from Macys. Yep, definately didn't order anything from Macy online. So I take it inside and open it up. There is no card or packing slip, only a gift receipt. I can see the fish salt and pepper shakers immeadiately and am confused, to say the least. Then I open a smaller box and inside find the fish bowl wrapped in bubble wrap. Again, I am confused. I pull out the box with what I originally thought was some sort of coffee pot and see that it is a tea warming system (whatever that exactly means). Hmm, well I'm much more likely to drink tea than coffee, however I don't usually drink any hot beverages so am a little more than confused now. The final box

Yep. It's a tree. I named him Woody.

Consider this a PSA on Shaving Cream Safety. While cleaning my bathroom this afternoon I was wiping off the bottles of various items-body wash, shampoo, face wash etc.- to put back into the shower. I got to the canister of shaving cream when I noticed the bottom of the can was a little yucky (technical term) so was wiping that off when I touched the black stopper located on the bottom. DO NOT TOUCH THE BLACK STOPPER. Shaving cream exploded out of the hole in the middle of the stopper and all over me, my face, my hair, my front. *Insert inappropriate joke about a soldier returning from a long deployment, a teenage boy or someone recently released from prison here.* Luckily I was wearing my glasses so didn't get that much foam in my eyes but did get some in them and it burns. A lot. At least now we all know not to touch the stopper, shaving cream is not a toy.

This afternoon, Bethany and I took a couple of her kids to the buffet at Tulalip. It was a last minute idea to take them instead of hiring a sitter so there was no gambling for Jamie (tear) but its okay, I ate more than enough at the buffet so walked away miserably full and feeling like a winner (of sorts). The nice thing is we decided later to go to Vegas this spring so I can get my gambling in and she can get away for a few days before she has yet another baby. Woo hoo!

See Krista. See Krista at the movies. See Krista laugh at the really funny movie. Laugh, Krista, laugh.

I scanned in a lot of old photos and posted them on facebook tonight for a fun look back. As its the 10 year anniversary of our high school graduation it's kind of fun to see everyone when they were still young and remember certain events, stories and people. One photo that I didn't post to my facebook account was this one, the photo my mom took of me when I had chicken pox in the 2nd grade. The photo itself has obviously seen better days however the best part of it is the cabinet in front of me. My mom used to have her gravy boat and various salt and pepper shakers and other ceramics and pottery on the shelves. I had this game I liked to play whenever I was bored. I would start at the other end of the house, near my parents bedroom and take off running down the hall, past the other bedrooms, the bathroom, through the living room, turn at the dining room and slide across the kitchen floor in my socks. I would slam into that cabinet HARD and, in an attempt to stay standing,

You might not be able to tell but this bird only has one eye. I was cleaning out my costume box and found the parrot I used for my unintentional transgendered pirate costume from a few years ago (hard to pass for a man when you've got a lovely pair of coconuts deedily dee dee). I have absolutely no idea where his 2nd eye is, it's no longer in the box, and part of me wants to throw his freaky ass out, or give him to goodwill but another part of me wants to make him a little birdy eye patch.

Is it just me or does "costume box" sound dirty?

Tonight was the final dos amigas, a fairly regular tradition where Amanda and I get together, make dinner, watch tv and whine and laugh. But for some reason, being the Mexican bitchita she is, she decided she would rather move to stupid Eastern Washington than carry on a time honored tradition. I made her tell me what to keep and what to give away to Goodwill in my clothes trunk while we watched American Idol and Lost. She ended up stealing two of my favorite old bras but I suggested she wait before telling Charley where she got them haha. Men seem to think women sharing things like bras that don't fit anymore is weird. I think men buying 60" HD TVs when the couch is 5 feet away is weird so we are even. After I got the keepers back in the trunk we started going through my old yearbooks that were laying on the table (thanks to living with the head of the reunion planning committee). It was probably funnier for me than her but the fact I wrote all over my jr. high yearbooks

Happy February Y'All!