Wicked Smart

You Are Dasher You're an independent minded reindeer who never plays by the rules. Why You're Naughty: That little coup you tried to stage against Santa last year Why You're Nice: You secretly give naughty children presents. Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

I just elfed myself and a couple of uber important friends for a song and dance. Check it out here... http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=9635875959 ! Happy Holidays!

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question..."

One day, Orange Puffy Guy was watching the telly. Nothing interesting was on. So he started drinking. Some of his friends, such as Yellow Fuzzy Guy and Pink Shiny Gal, worry about his drinking but he swears he can handle it... After a few drinks he sadly started drunk dialing. None of his friends found Orange Puffy Guy's antics to be amusing so they all hung up on him. This did not deter him. He just decided to get ready and go out alone. He was sure he would meet cool new people. Unfortunately, in his drunken state he forgot he was Orange Puffy GUY and put on some makeup. And tried on some of his mother's heels.... Luckily, his mother saw him before he made it out of the house and made him wash his orange face and wear his own shoes. Good thing too because later that evening he ran into a gang of Wild Ninjas that were kick ass. They surely would have brought the pain if he had still been in drag. But because he was Orange and Puffy they allowed him to hang with their tota

Adrianne: where did jamie go Adrianne: i page..no answer... Linda: i dunno maybe Adrianne: she was eaten up by a ninja? Linda: that's a good guess Adrianne: sadness...should we have a ninja funeral? Linda: we so should Linda: we should find the ninjas who did this and avenge her Adrianne: hmmm..but first we have to find her body..... Adrianne: Oh yeah... Linda: you don't need a body for a funeral Adrianne: oh that's true... Adrianne: but what if we wanted to send her off in the water like vikings? Linda: do ninjas do that? Adrianne: I don't know Adrianne: maybe Adrianne: when we tie up the other ninja's we can ask them Linda: good plan Linda: now other people are wondering where she is Adrianne: I know Adrianne: wait wiat Adrianne: wait Adrianne: I hear her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Linda: where is she? Adrianne: in the production room now Linda: what have they done to her? Adrianne: lol Adrianne: nothing....she must have ran away Linda: hmmm, or they let her go since she sw

Jamie No Booth says: i need entertainment Jamie No Booth says: i'm dying from boredom here kristalou *komen says: what up sista? kristalou *komen says: i didn't know boredom was fatal Jamie No Booth says: it so is Jamie No Booth says: first it makes you do actual work Jamie No Booth says: and then you go crazy and die kristalou *komen says: so you are telling me this involves a process. . . Jamie No Booth says: yep Jamie No Booth says: its a three step process kristalou *komen says: good to know. Jamie No Booth says: yep Jamie No Booth says: look for the warning signs kristalou *komen says: 1. . .2. . .3. . .dead Jamie No Booth says: pretty much kristalou *komen says: warning signs? Jamie No Booth says: yep Jamie No Booth says: antsiness Jamie No Booth says: sleepiness Jamie No Booth says: excessive swivling in swivel chair Jamie No Booth says: trying to make a non swivel chair swivel kristalou *komen says: not sure what to say to that. . . Jamie No Booth says: making a hallowe

I have the best mother in the world. She has always been there for me, supporting me and my ideals even when they conflicted with her own. Part of her awesomness stems from her always supporting my selfishness. She believes it would be wrong for me to get married and have kids now as she realizes I aspire for more than that in my life. So there has always been the encouragement to go and travel, continue my edumacation, buy lots of shoes and spend all my money on me (so long as I occassionally purchase a pressie for her). Part of her acceptance has to do with the fact that she has kids that are already married and provided her 5 grandchildren so that wish has been fulfilled. Apparently those nag-free days are over. Saturday morning I get a call from my mother but I couldn't reach my phone in time so she left a message. (That's what she gets for calling at 8:58 am). I check my voicemail and hear my cute grandma-esque mother say the following: "So I'm looking at this cat

Yesterday at work I was sitting at my desk, working uber hard, as always, when Linda came up to me with a bit of a shocked look on her face. Leaning over she semi-wispered "there are pubes in the women's bathroom". I looked up from my computer screen that had nothing but work related documents and web pages on it, cocked my head and said "huh?" (as noone really ever expects their coworker to say the sentence "there are pubes in the women's bathroom" so it's a bit shocking when they do) and she said a little louder "there are pubes in the women's bathroom, like a pile". So what does one say when there are pubes in the bathroom? Of course I responded with "How exactly is there a pile of pubes in the bathroom?". She said she didn't know but held up her hands and made circle to indicate the size of the pile o pubes. It was large. Too large to just be a stray pube mistakenly pulled out by undies. Soon word spread,

Jamie: did something happen this morning before i got in? Adrianne: since i don't know what you mean....I have no idea Adrianne: what are you talking about Jamie: everyone is in a bad mood and it's uber quiet in here Adrianne: oh....yeah it is quiet... Jamie: so i was just wondering if perhaps there was a WWE smackdown this morning before i got in Adrianne: I don't know is Linda in a bad mood? Jamie: i think so, she's not talking Jamie: but i can't handle the quiet Adrianne: I like quiet Jamie: that's just wrong Jamie: only mime's like quiet Adrianne: lol Adrianne: I like quiet it helps me focus and work Adrianne: silly Adrianne: When it's to loud I can't hear the voices in my head...I mean my own thoughts Adrianne: hahahhaa Jamie: the voices are my only entertainment today Adrianne: awww....sad Adrianne: I'm sure Linda will get out of her funk Adrianne: she's probably just flippin tired and cranky from working two jobs Jamie: no reason to ta

"Fourteen Things That It Took Me Over50 Years To Learn" by Dave Barry Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." There is a very fine line between "hobby" and " mental illness ." People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. You should not confuse your career with your life. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. Never lick a steak knife. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that

What is the deal with Safeway? A couple of months ago I was in a Safeway by my work to cash in some scratch tickets. The woman behind the counter looked at me and said "you do know you have to be 18 to play these, right?" And I was like uhhhhh yeah? And she goes oh okay, I just didn't know how old you had to be in your country." WTF mate? Exactly how old must I have looked and exactly what country did I look like I was from exactly? I wasn't dressed especially ethnic so not really sure what that was about. So today I gathered up all my strength and went to Safeway to buy some OJ, soup and med (sickness is a bitch) and when I was up there the woman asked to see my ID for the cough medicine. WTF mate? I know I look like shit today but you try being progressively sicker for the last 3 days and see how great you look. You can't tell me I look however young you would have to be to not be allowed to buy med. And it's not like I was buying excessive qua

I am ever so glad Tv Land let me know I Love Lucy is a repeat. I was really wondering about that. What would I do if Comcast didn't have their info guide to fill me in???? Actually I shouldn't mock...I get really upset if the guide isn't working. My God, what will I do? I don't know the name of this episode of friends???? Oh My God, what am I going to do, I can't look and see whats on the sci-fi channel at 4:30am??? The horror...The horror!!!! So I have been Suzy Homemaker lately. I made meatloaf and garlic mashed potatoes for dinner. Lemon bars for desert. Cookies will be baked this weekend. Why? Well according to Linda it's my nesting genes kicking in from being knocked up. Apparrently vomiting every morning for 3 weeks, having itchy nipples and crying hysterically at work is suspicious! Who knew? However as we all know, Jamie hates children. Jamie thinks the concept of getting knocked up with some evil man's spawn is the worst thing she's ever heard o

OOOOOOh George's on Roseanne, sweeeeeet : The "Had To" section1. If you HAD to get a tattoo, where would you want it?:shoulder blade area2. If you HAD to dye your hair which color would you choose?:the color of Chuck's from the Chuck Norris comic book3. If you HAD to get a piercing (THAT ISN'T YOUR EARS) what would you um...if I HAD to i guess belly button as really piercings are tacky and I wouldn't get them anywhere but the ears anyways4. If you HAD to change your name, what new name would you choose?:Fiona McArrrrrrrrrrrghThe "Would You?" section1. If you could go bungee jumping, would you?:I would bungee jump into the arms of Mr. Chuck Norris2. Would you move somewhere else, if you could?:I would flollow George anywhere (especially our villa in Italy)3. If you were given the chance to go to Paris, would you go?:been there, done that, got the t-shirt, watched the homeless man possibly die and the hooker used my hotel room4. If you found 10 million

1. Where is your (real) dad right now?touring with the Captain and Tenille 2. Name the last person you hung out with?Brandon and Chiho and the wonderful world of feeders (its the weirdest freakin thing ever) 3. Name a pet you have?The Irish Waiter count? 4. Last person you text messaged?i don't believe in any forms of communication involving the thumbs 5. Any drama in your lifejust the marathon of Murder She Wrote I watched last night 6. What are you listening to?the telly 7. What do you smell like?fragrance 8. What color are your eyes?if you dont know me by now, you will never never know me 9. Have you ever done a Chinese fire drill?no but I've done a Cambodian water line dance 10. Do you even know what that is?that's where you set chinese people on fire and point and laugh as the run around and flail their arms widely shoulting "me no love you long time", right? 11. Do you have a chair in your room?Chuck Norris widdled me one during the last commercial break 12.

Once upon a time there was a Decepticon named Megatron. He liked to frolic in the land of computer mice One day an Autobot named Optimus Prime wandered into the land of computer mice. Megatron and Optimus Prime spotted each other and the chemistry was instantaneous. They began kissing... And then moved on to more risque activities. "Take it all Megatron!" And then they switched, which was only fair... After awhile they moved on to something they both could enjoy at the same time... A poor Aflac duck walking by caught the forbidden lovers' tryst. "Aflac?" he asked, confused. He immediately alerted the media for a hefty sum which he blew on bread crumbs and lipo. Optimus Prime promptly held a press conference dismissing all of the charges. "I did not have sexual relations with that Deceptacon, Megatron."

Everyone just needs to fucking get over themselves. I'm sorry you seem to think I'm such a horrible person and that I'm not worth the time or energy but maybe you should take a big, fat look in the mirror and stop being so fucking dumb. I really could give a shit less about any of it anymore so don't even bother slinking back when you remove that stick from your ass.

So here is a conversation from my day.... Me: Did you like that I answered Steve Perry's left nipple to every answer on my myspace quiz? Linda: Yes, that was so funny! But Steve Perry is mine! (makes faux angry face causing me to giggle and in turn giggling herself) Me: Yeah but that's why it was funny. You can keep Steve Perry, I just want his left nipple. Linda: Did you see my myspace response? Me: No, not yet. Linda: Oh, I retaliated by taking George Clooney's right nipple. Me: What???? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!! Linda: Oh yeah, that's how I roll.... Me: You can't take George Clooney's right nipple! I need that! Linda: Well you took Steve Perry's left nipple!! Me: Yeah but that was funny, now we are talking about George!!!

So this guy at work and I find Chuck Norris to be hilarious. When I first got my white board my intention was to post important notices about word processing and various office tidbits. You know, don't forget your Purple or Gold sheets, UPS goes out at 3pm, having an allergic reaction to the perfume I'm NOT wearing does not give you the right to pull my hair and question my integrity. Very much just par for the course in the business world, right? Anyways, I digress...so I didn't have anything to post the first day I had my board and couldn't handle a white shiny thing staring at me all blank so I posted a list of the Chuck Norris facts. "On April 15th, Chuck Norris sends in a blank tax form and a picture of him, crouched and waiting to attack. He has never had to pay taxes. Ever." Stuff like that. So now it is pretty much expected around the office for me to keep entertaining items on the board at all time. I can't even fathom the whining that w

Maybe this says something about my alcohol related experiences of yester year but I don't think I would feel safe lighting a fire under a giant bottle of Jager...but maybe that's just me?

Last weekend, pre-antibiotics, I went to the store to buy some Emergen-c. Really I feel that pharmacies should make it easier to find cold medicine because when you are sick its damn near impossible to actually figure out what is where and which is better. "Okay, so this one works for coughs, congestion and headaches but this one includes stuff for itchy throat but doesn't have the stuff for headaches. If I take this one for earaches it will interfere with this one that i would have to take for stomach aches." Just too confusing. So anyways after wandering around for a few minutes I decided to just go and ask the pharmacist for the over-the-counter "herbal supplement with 1,000 mg of vitamin c and 32 other essential minerals to provide energy." The pharmacist was helpful and said that they do carry it and grabbed a box from behind the counter. He rang it up and it was amazingly expensive (normally about $15 for a box of 38 packets), all of which seemed very weir

Being sick sucks. Especially when it's nice outside and you want to walk down to the water and get some friggin frozen yogurt. But noooooooooooo, you have to get a sinus infection that brings new symptoms every single frigging day. There are the constants of course...congestions, sneezing, coughing, painful headache...but then there are the great new experiences, like vomiting on your own phlem. Although I would rather vomit on my own phlem than anyone elses cause I would be disturbed by that, 1 cause it is someone elses phlem but also because i am completely unaware as to how I would ever swallow a gallon of someone elses phlem, even my imaginary pool boy Giovanni's. On second thought though, I just sort of assume all pool boys are gay so i think the chances of me or any other woman swallowing G's phlem are very slim. So now I get to take wannabe penicillian 3 times a day for the next 10 days but "probably won't feel better until Monday" so will be spend

If you can pronounce correctly every word in this poem, you will be speaking English better than 90% of the native English speakers in the world. After trying the verses, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six months of hard labour to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself. Dearest creature in creation, Study English pronunciation. I will teach you in my verse Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse. I will keep you, Suzy, busy, Make your head with heat grow dizzy. Tear in eye, your dress will tear. So shall I! Oh hear my prayer. Just compare heart, beard, and heard ,Dies and diet, lord and word, Sword and sward, retain and Britain. (Mind the latter, how it's written.) Now I surely will not plague you With such words as plaque and ague. But be careful how you speak: Say break and steak, but bleak and streak; Cloven, oven, how and low, Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe. Hear me say, devoid of trickery, Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore, Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles

So I've come to realize two things this week...well actually three but one was sort of a given and isn't anything new... #1: Epiphany: An easy lay outweighs logic every time. Sub-epiphany: Boys are stupid. Action: There really isn't any besides becoming a lesbian and that's just gross and so not going to happen. #2: Epiphany: I'm too nice. Sub-epiphany: It's tiring being "sweet". Corrective action: Go back to bitchy Jamie-ness. Man I miss bitchy Jamie, she was just so funny! And those of you reading this obviously must be my friends so therefore you are on the good (read: lucky) side of of me, so you all can enjoy the funniness of bitchy Jamie from the safety of the "inner circle". It might take me awhile to get the groove back but I'm sure in no time at all I will be back to calling people pretending to be from the sperm bank and letting them know they are infertile and staring at them like they are morons for no reason at all. #3: Epiph

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in dual ceremony.The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home

He adored her. She had a classic shape, a 91.44 – 60.96 - 91.44 centimetre body. But it wasn’t only her physical appearance; she loved cars, sports, all his favourite movies. On their first date, he took her to a football game where they had seats on the 45.72 meter line, shared a few 1.126 litres of beer, and ate 30.48 centimetre long hot dogs. Afterwards they went to see Jules Verne’s classic film, 111,111.107 Kilometres Under the Sea . Leaving the theatre, she asked if sometime he might like to see her favourite movie, Mary Poppins . Turned out it was one of his favourites too. Shyly he admitted, "I love it when she sings, ‘4.929 millilitres of sugar helps the medicine go down.’" She smiled warmly, pleased. "Aw, gee, I love your smile," he said. "I’d walk 1,609,347.042 kilometres for one of your smiles." They made plans to see Mary Poppins , and also God’s Little 0.405 Hectare . He drove her home in his red Mustang. "Oooooh," she

This week has been rather interesting. I am unable to stay awake past 8:30 for some reason, mainly I think because it is way too cold to be out in the living room and so I end up watching a movie huddled under the covers in my bed and as my bed can be the most comfortable thing in the entire world somedays I fall asleep. First though I convince myself that I will just listen to the movie with my eyes closed and then I wake up much later that night with the "DVD" thing flashing all around the screen, the movie having been over for hours. On the plus side I have been much more rested than normal and am not having any issues waking up on time, which has been a problem since our dear friend Woody has packed up his pecker and left. Speaking of peckers packing, Red Truck Guy is no longer. Now we are just stuck with the lesser good looking, committed to some some skanky 18 year old neighbor. Oh how we miss Red Truck Guy...with his Red Truck and overall guyness. Now who will li

Okay seriously...it's a fetus. A FETUS!!!! It is not "cute", its not "precious", it's a blurry 2D photo of a goopy transluscent specimen that won't even be a human being until it's born in August. It cannot survive out of the womb, it is not fully developed and I'm sorry but Jonah is just about the stupidest name I've ever heard...Stop gushing over the blob!!!!

Another amazing example of architecture, design and technology coming together! The Millau viaduct is part of the new E11 expressway connecting Paris and Barcelona and features the highest bridge piers ever constructed. The tallest is 240 meters (787 feet) high and the overall height will be an impressive 336 meters (1102 fe et), making this the highest bridge in the world.Beautiful! What a view! 787 feet high!

Autumn and I are sitting here this morning, watching some crappy Jennifer Aniston movie (I'm on Team Angelina), both of us woken at 6:30 am by a freakin woodpecker AGAIN (at least he doesn't laugh like Woody or else we both would have shot him already) and discussing where we would rather be. The conclusion after looking outside at the grey skies and wet deck leftover from last night's rain? Some tropical beach where it's 80 degrees, sun beating down in a cloudless blue sky...no birds chirping and drinking something fruity with an umbrella in it served to us on a silver platter by an exotic man named Rico with abs of steel all shiny with lotion that smells of coconut (but not Body Builder steel or shininess cause that's just creepy and disgusting), waves lapping gently. It was at the waves lapping part that Autumn stopped my daydream and asked me to repeat that. Apparently it sounded like I said the waves were laughing and i was like well yeah, they saw us in ou

As a public service of this blog, we now present to you some timely advice on sex and love from a 1917 medical manual written by the well-respected doctor of medical things pertaining to women, William J. Robinson, M.D., editor of the American Journal of Sexology. On Single Mothers:"If a woman is so unfortunate as to be unable to get anybody to produce an abortion, she gives birth to an illegitimate child, which she is forced in most cases to put away in an institution of some sort where she hopes and prays it may die soon..." On Virginity:"Some men of a low moral and mental character are under the influence of the pernicious idea that if a girl has lost her virginity--no matter under what circumstances--she no longer amounts to much and is free prey for everybody who may want her." On Homosexuality:"A homosexual, man or woman, has no right to marry. Homosexuality is hereditary, and nobody has a right to bring homosexuals into the world, for there is no unhappi

Saturday night and I'm home doing laundry and watching a bootlegged copy of Madagascar....how pathetic is this? But more importantly how did I end up here? Three words really...poor money management. I wonder how old I will have to be in order to get that whole check book balancing thing people talk about? Oh well, its not so bad, everyone who was going to go out to Todd's birthday party, Todd included, is in the same boat and hanging out at their respective homes. So I guess this works for me. We've rescheduled his party for next Friday which is payday so there will be much rejoicing with liquor and the like. Woo hoo! Work this week was very exciting. We got a new binding machine on Monday. It's seriously the coolest thing ever! I had to go around and show everyone, noone outside of the admin group was very thrilled about it. They just don't get how awesome this thing really is. To go from 10 sheets at a time to a 1/4 inch of paper is the coolest thing and such a t

Last night I went a little crazy from lack of sleep. I brought out a movie and my roommie and I settled on to the couch to watch it. She started to fall asleep which really wouldn't be an issue but she farts and snores while sleeping and I wasn't in the mood for either so began tapping her with an empty water bottle. When that started to lose its effectiveness I took the green marker I was working with (I really was doing work for work) and started to color her hair. Thank goodness she is blonde, it really shows the green, tee hee. It wasn't until I backed away that I could see just how green that section of her hair really had become. She became very annoyed with me, having been woken from slumber to a giggling roommate and green hair, so did what is the worst possible punishment and stuck her nasty ass foot in my face. (In case you didn't know, I hate feet, they are all gross and should be left at least 4 1/2 feet from my face at all times.) So I colored the bot

A is for Age: I'm ageless, but if you're getting picky I'm technically Ж years old. B is for Best Friend: Mankind. The people, not the wrestler. C is for Career: I'm pretty content overseeing all of creation, but I think what I'd really like to do is make short films. I've been working on this script for a while. It's kinda like Clerks, except it takes place on the edge of infinity. D is for Drink of Choice: I'm mostly sober these days. Last time I drank it was bourbon, and I don't remember exactly what happened but when I woke up my knee was scraped, my head was killing me, and 150,000 people in Indonesia had died. LOL :p E is for Essential Item: My magic wand. From raising the sun to making the Virgin Mary appear, I literally can't do anything without it. F is for Favorite Song at the Moment: "God Only Knows," by The Beach Boys. G is for Favorite Game: OMG I am totally addicted to The Sims. I love playing Me with no consequences. H is

A few things I have learned this week... 1. The two words you never want to hear your dentist say while working on you: flame shaper. Yep, you heard that correctly. While sitting innocently in my dentist chair, mouth pried open my dentist asked his assistant to hand him the flame shaper. Of course I cocked my head and stared at him confused, omitting something along the lines of "huh?" but having dental objects shoved in my completely numb mouth it was competely unintelligible. I envisioned the dentist grabbing a propane tank-like item, getting one of those masks and pushing the face protector over his face and the blue flame shot out of the nozzle and he bent over me saying "This might hurt, but only for a moment." My theory is that nothing...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in my mouth should need shaping by flame. Glass is shaped by flame. Teeth...um, not so much. In actuality there were no special masks, no propane tanks...I never actually saw the elusive flame shaper but wha

The holidays are a joyous occasion. They bring the traditions that bring families together and provide unity amongst our fellow man. Unfortunately they also bring horrible music and lousy television programming. Case in point: “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” and 2004’s “Nick and Jessica Family Christmas”. However, these examples at least provide a good moral compass by which to live. Grandma was run over by the reindeer heading home from her family’s house on Christmas Eve. And although Jessica Simpson really could be the most annoying entertainer to grace Hollywood in the 21st Century, she tried to bring her equally annoying family into our homes on that obnoxious holiday hour. The real problem is in holiday programming which APPEARS to be wholesome, but in fact promotes something far more sinister: alcoholism. The show in question? Mary Poppins. Yes, you read that correctly, good ole Mary Poppins: seemingly innocent but like her trick bag hiding a much darker, deeper se

I miss Diet Coke. It has only been a few days but still it's been far too long. Stupid Lent. Every year I am forced to give up something precious. Something wonderful that I treasure, that makes my life so much more fun and worth living. This year it is my beloved Diet Coke. *Sigh* It's bubbly goodness. It's saucy kick at the end, when it's extra cold, with little teeny bits of ice forming in the can. The caffeine. Oh gosh, the caffeine. Whatever am I going to do now?