Wicked Smart

Sometimes I will sit there and think it is so weird that Autumn has never had a Whopper, Big Mac, Chicken Nuggets, or Fish Sandwich. I kind of feel bad for her. Then I get over it and continue with my day.

I would just like to give an open thanks to the girl who threw up on me last night in Neumos, causing me to vomit several times in response. That was sweet. My shoe had a new squishy quality to it and the smell was truely, truely, truely outrageous. Nothing like having to live in vomit, with the poor bartender scuttling us to the bench by the door from the very beginning of the concert. I can honestly say that was a new experience. I would also like to say that I will hunt you down like a dog if I catch diptherea or get any sort of fungus from your stranger puke. I'm assuming the loads of alcohol you consumed prior to the upchucking killed off any bacteria you may have gotten from whichever guy you picked up this week but if not, prepare for the wrath!

I am actually in a good mood, however I felt it was time to let everyone know the things that irritate me. These are the things I say I hate, even though mostly I'm just mildly annoyed, but hate is a much funnier word than annoyed. I'm sure there will be many modifications to this list as life goes on (by the way, I hate that Kelli girl from Life Goes On but can't hate the show as it had the Beatles as it's theme song and showcased a "neurologically diverse" individual, making it the longest PSA known to man, and you can't hate a show with the beatles playing for a good cause.) #1: Bicyclists. Hate them, hate them, hate them. This, however, is not a case of mild annoyance, this is actual want-to-hit them-with-my-car, knocking-them-off-their-bike-and-then-go-and-steal-their-pants-then-continously-flick-them-in-the-eye-with-their-spandex-spankies-hate. They do not follow the rules of the road and yet insist upon driving on MY road, street, avenue, boulevard,...

Start at the beginning, go to the end, then stop. This is how life flows, however my life has flown into a very crazy and slightly frightening turn. Why? you may ask. Well I will tell you why, as I am nice and wouldn't just leave you hanging. I am being stalked by Huey Lewis and the News. I'm not kidding. About two weeks ago my ipod, Kung Pao Chang (so named because I adopted him from China where he was "assembled" by tiny kids over 17 hours in an Apple orphanage, and Kung Pao Chicken is my favorite Chinese food) decided to play the entire Huey Lewis and the News (hereafter referred to as HLN) Greatest Hits Cd over the course of an afternoon and random intervals. Then I went home and flipped on the telly only to have HLN come blaring out at me from some show. Some driving in the car, listening to the radio as I cowered from Kung Pao in fear of HLN, only to have not one but TWO (2) HLN songs play on different stations!!!!! This has gone on over the last two weeks. I li...

Sent at 2:00 PM on Friday spammy.anna: is it 5 yet? cause that would make me happy Jamie: no, 3 more hours spammy.anna: dammit janey janet not janey i don't even know who janey is Jamie: maybe if you weren't such a snob you would know her spammy.anna: me a snob i think this is an instance of the pot calling the kettle black Jamie: i disagree i'm not a snob if my judgements are correct and funny spammy.anna: i'm not sure that is true Jamie: do i want to drive all the way to lynnwood tomorrow? spammy.anna: what's in it for you? Jamie: i get to pay a ton of money for a movie spammy.anna: then no Jamie: but am i mean if i make cheryl drive to bellevue to see a movie? spammy.anna: snobnouna person regarded as arrogant and annoying Jamie: i am not annoying! spammy.anna: see, it has nothing to do with whether or not you are funny Jamie: yes but i'm not annoying so therefore i cant' possibly be a snob spammy.anna: is condescending or overbearing to others. no, i do ...

So this isn't my story but it was so freakin funny I had to share. It made me laugh so hard I had to share Ryan's brilliance with everyone. P.S. he's not retarded, he's Australian... An aside note before we get right into the story: why are the words "negligence" and "negligee" so similar? One is a very sexy concept, and the other is not. Are they built off another word that they are both kind of related to? All these questions and more can possibly be answered by either the shorter , the longer , or perhaps even the much fucking longer Oxford English Dictionary. Man, I wish I had $3000 and a bookshelf. Luckily, five pounds and an arse pocket will suffice. Here's what the Collins Gem pocket-size Scrabble Dictionary had to say: NEGLIGEE: woman's lightweight, usu. lace-trimmed dressing gown. Hang on a second. Negligence is not in the Collins Gem pocket-size Scrabble Dictionary. That's surprising. I would be very surprised if I ...

You Are Dasher You're an independent minded reindeer who never plays by the rules. Why You're Naughty: That little coup you tried to stage against Santa last year Why You're Nice: You secretly give naughty children presents. Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

I just elfed myself and a couple of uber important friends for a song and dance. Check it out here... http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=9635875959 ! Happy Holidays!

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question..."

One day, Orange Puffy Guy was watching the telly. Nothing interesting was on. So he started drinking. Some of his friends, such as Yellow Fuzzy Guy and Pink Shiny Gal, worry about his drinking but he swears he can handle it... After a few drinks he sadly started drunk dialing. None of his friends found Orange Puffy Guy's antics to be amusing so they all hung up on him. This did not deter him. He just decided to get ready and go out alone. He was sure he would meet cool new people. Unfortunately, in his drunken state he forgot he was Orange Puffy GUY and put on some makeup. And tried on some of his mother's heels.... Luckily, his mother saw him before he made it out of the house and made him wash his orange face and wear his own shoes. Good thing too because later that evening he ran into a gang of Wild Ninjas that were kick ass. They surely would have brought the pain if he had still been in drag. But because he was Orange and Puffy they allowed him to hang with their tota...

Adrianne: where did jamie go Adrianne: i page..no answer... Linda: i dunno maybe Adrianne: she was eaten up by a ninja? Linda: that's a good guess Adrianne: sadness...should we have a ninja funeral? Linda: we so should Linda: we should find the ninjas who did this and avenge her Adrianne: hmmm..but first we have to find her body..... Adrianne: Oh yeah... Linda: you don't need a body for a funeral Adrianne: oh that's true... Adrianne: but what if we wanted to send her off in the water like vikings? Linda: do ninjas do that? Adrianne: I don't know Adrianne: maybe Adrianne: when we tie up the other ninja's we can ask them Linda: good plan Linda: now other people are wondering where she is Adrianne: I know Adrianne: wait wiat Adrianne: wait Adrianne: I hear her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Linda: where is she? Adrianne: in the production room now Linda: what have they done to her? Adrianne: lol Adrianne: nothing....she must have ran away Linda: hmmm, or they let her go since she sw...

Jamie No Booth says: i need entertainment Jamie No Booth says: i'm dying from boredom here kristalou *komen says: what up sista? kristalou *komen says: i didn't know boredom was fatal Jamie No Booth says: it so is Jamie No Booth says: first it makes you do actual work Jamie No Booth says: and then you go crazy and die kristalou *komen says: so you are telling me this involves a process. . . Jamie No Booth says: yep Jamie No Booth says: its a three step process kristalou *komen says: good to know. Jamie No Booth says: yep Jamie No Booth says: look for the warning signs kristalou *komen says: 1. . .2. . .3. . .dead Jamie No Booth says: pretty much kristalou *komen says: warning signs? Jamie No Booth says: yep Jamie No Booth says: antsiness Jamie No Booth says: sleepiness Jamie No Booth says: excessive swivling in swivel chair Jamie No Booth says: trying to make a non swivel chair swivel kristalou *komen says: not sure what to say to that. . . Jamie No Booth says: making a hallowe...

I have the best mother in the world. She has always been there for me, supporting me and my ideals even when they conflicted with her own. Part of her awesomness stems from her always supporting my selfishness. She believes it would be wrong for me to get married and have kids now as she realizes I aspire for more than that in my life. So there has always been the encouragement to go and travel, continue my edumacation, buy lots of shoes and spend all my money on me (so long as I occassionally purchase a pressie for her). Part of her acceptance has to do with the fact that she has kids that are already married and provided her 5 grandchildren so that wish has been fulfilled. Apparently those nag-free days are over. Saturday morning I get a call from my mother but I couldn't reach my phone in time so she left a message. (That's what she gets for calling at 8:58 am). I check my voicemail and hear my cute grandma-esque mother say the following: "So I'm looking at this cat...

Yesterday at work I was sitting at my desk, working uber hard, as always, when Linda came up to me with a bit of a shocked look on her face. Leaning over she semi-wispered "there are pubes in the women's bathroom". I looked up from my computer screen that had nothing but work related documents and web pages on it, cocked my head and said "huh?" (as noone really ever expects their coworker to say the sentence "there are pubes in the women's bathroom" so it's a bit shocking when they do) and she said a little louder "there are pubes in the women's bathroom, like a pile". So what does one say when there are pubes in the bathroom? Of course I responded with "How exactly is there a pile of pubes in the bathroom?". She said she didn't know but held up her hands and made circle to indicate the size of the pile o pubes. It was large. Too large to just be a stray pube mistakenly pulled out by undies. Soon word spread,...

Jamie: did something happen this morning before i got in? Adrianne: since i don't know what you mean....I have no idea Adrianne: what are you talking about Jamie: everyone is in a bad mood and it's uber quiet in here Adrianne: oh....yeah it is quiet... Jamie: so i was just wondering if perhaps there was a WWE smackdown this morning before i got in Adrianne: I don't know is Linda in a bad mood? Jamie: i think so, she's not talking Jamie: but i can't handle the quiet Adrianne: I like quiet Jamie: that's just wrong Jamie: only mime's like quiet Adrianne: lol Adrianne: I like quiet it helps me focus and work Adrianne: silly Adrianne: When it's to loud I can't hear the voices in my head...I mean my own thoughts Adrianne: hahahhaa Jamie: the voices are my only entertainment today Adrianne: awww....sad Adrianne: I'm sure Linda will get out of her funk Adrianne: she's probably just flippin tired and cranky from working two jobs Jamie: no reason to ta...

"Fourteen Things That It Took Me Over50 Years To Learn" by Dave Barry Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." There is a very fine line between "hobby" and " mental illness ." People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. You should not confuse your career with your life. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. Never lick a steak knife. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that ...

What is the deal with Safeway? A couple of months ago I was in a Safeway by my work to cash in some scratch tickets. The woman behind the counter looked at me and said "you do know you have to be 18 to play these, right?" And I was like uhhhhh yeah? And she goes oh okay, I just didn't know how old you had to be in your country." WTF mate? Exactly how old must I have looked and exactly what country did I look like I was from exactly? I wasn't dressed especially ethnic so not really sure what that was about. So today I gathered up all my strength and went to Safeway to buy some OJ, soup and med (sickness is a bitch) and when I was up there the woman asked to see my ID for the cough medicine. WTF mate? I know I look like shit today but you try being progressively sicker for the last 3 days and see how great you look. You can't tell me I look however young you would have to be to not be allowed to buy med. And it's not like I was buying excessive qua...

I am ever so glad Tv Land let me know I Love Lucy is a repeat. I was really wondering about that. What would I do if Comcast didn't have their info guide to fill me in???? Actually I shouldn't mock...I get really upset if the guide isn't working. My God, what will I do? I don't know the name of this episode of friends???? Oh My God, what am I going to do, I can't look and see whats on the sci-fi channel at 4:30am??? The horror...The horror!!!! So I have been Suzy Homemaker lately. I made meatloaf and garlic mashed potatoes for dinner. Lemon bars for desert. Cookies will be baked this weekend. Why? Well according to Linda it's my nesting genes kicking in from being knocked up. Apparrently vomiting every morning for 3 weeks, having itchy nipples and crying hysterically at work is suspicious! Who knew? However as we all know, Jamie hates children. Jamie thinks the concept of getting knocked up with some evil man's spawn is the worst thing she's ever heard o...

OOOOOOh George's on Roseanne, sweeeeeet : The "Had To" section1. If you HAD to get a tattoo, where would you want it?:shoulder blade area2. If you HAD to dye your hair which color would you choose?:the color of Chuck's from the Chuck Norris comic book3. If you HAD to get a piercing (THAT ISN'T YOUR EARS) what would you um...if I HAD to i guess belly button as really piercings are tacky and I wouldn't get them anywhere but the ears anyways4. If you HAD to change your name, what new name would you choose?:Fiona McArrrrrrrrrrrghThe "Would You?" section1. If you could go bungee jumping, would you?:I would bungee jump into the arms of Mr. Chuck Norris2. Would you move somewhere else, if you could?:I would flollow George anywhere (especially our villa in Italy)3. If you were given the chance to go to Paris, would you go?:been there, done that, got the t-shirt, watched the homeless man possibly die and the hooker used my hotel room4. If you found 10 million...