Hail to the Chief, Walker Texas Ranger
So this guy at work and I find Chuck Norris to be hilarious. When I first got my white board my intention was to post important notices about word processing and various office tidbits. You know, don't forget your Purple or Gold sheets, UPS goes out at 3pm, having an allergic reaction to the perfume I'm NOT wearing does not give you the right to pull my hair and question my integrity. Very much just par for the course in the business world, right? Anyways, I digress...so I didn't have anything to post the first day I had my board and couldn't handle a white shiny thing staring at me all blank so I posted a list of the Chuck Norris facts. "On April 15th, Chuck Norris sends in a blank tax form and a picture of him, crouched and waiting to attack. He has never had to pay taxes. Ever." Stuff like that. So now it is pretty much expected around the office for me to keep entertaining items on the board at all time. I can't even fathom the whining that would occur if I chose to remove the humor and put up something businessy. So I don't. After I posted the Chuck Norris bit, a coworker and I started exchanging Chuck Norris facts, jokes and YouTube URLs to Conan O'Brien's Chuck Norris clip lever. Nothing says teamwork like sharing roundhouse kicks and Walker Texas Ranger video. Today he sent a link to an article on what Chuck Norris would do if he were elected president (and ooooh boy he has our votes and we are both very liberal!). It is as follows:
If I am elected president
Posted: June 11, 20071:00 a.m. Eastern
I was wondering the other day, if I ran for president, what would be my campaign promises?
I made a list I'm certain can get me elected.
If I'm elected president, I will…
Require members of Congress to work out on the Total Gym 15 minutes each day – or else they can't vote on anything.
Cut spending by dismissing the Secret Service, at least for my eight years in office (why would I need them?).
Resurrect Bruce Lee and appoint him head of homeland security (OK, the CIA and FBI too).
Give a presidential pardon to … no one, ever. Baretta was right in the '70s, "Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time. Don't do it!"
Turn the Rose Garden into a new fighting ring for the World Combat League, in which liberals and conservatives will fight for legislative leadership and priority. (For fun, Saturday night fights will feature a recurring bout between Hannity and Colmes). "American Idol" already told me they will provide the entertainment.
Require Bill Gates and Warren Buffet to personally pay for national, comprehensive medical coverage for every American (or meet me in the Rose Garden).
Increase jobs in America by sending ninja teams to sabotage and steal them back from other countries.
Tattoo an American flag with the words, "In God we trust," on the forehead of every atheist.
Give a tax credit to anyone naming their children Walker or Texas Ranger (excluding Will Farrell).
Resolve the Iraq war by bringing all of our military personnel home immediately, then going over there by myself for "martial arts negotiations."
Hang Saddam Hussein (Whoops – scratch that – already did it undercover).
Convey my plan for world peace to the United Nations: taking the governor of California with me on our "kick butt and ask questions later" USO world tour.
Give every new military enlistee abroad a copy of my upcoming new book, "The Threat of Justice," with the words, "Arnold and I will be back to pump you up!" above my autograph.
Bring on Donald Trump as my apprentice. When my presidential term is complete and he has obtained his black belt, or whichever comes first, he can buy the White House and of course rename it (to, what else, "The Trump House").
Create new immigration legislation: to deport all liberals (then force them to listen to Bill O' Reilly every day for five years, at which point they may return).
Ask producer Mark Barnett to film "Survivor – Camp David," where world leaders will meet annually, for an all-out cage-fighting championship. The winner will take home $1,000,000 in Disney Dollars, good in Europe or America.
Send an autographed photo of me and my horse (no dogs in my White House) to everyone who commits to read my new WorldNetDaily "presidential column" and blast a blog who dares to disagree with me.
Complete the plan to bring Tony Blair to the U.S. as my vice president.
Expose the real WMDs – my fists and feet.
Replace Letterman, Leno or Conan once monthly, since stand-up comedy is what most governmental officials do anyway.
Ask Al Gore to provide me with a special governmental study on the connection between spotted owl extinction and global warming. (I'm pretty sure Michael Moore will film the docudrama).
Help Rosie transition from "The View" to the pew – it might help her get over that anger problem. If the pew doesn't work, she can spar Trump in the Rose Garden.
First and foremost, however, my greatest priorities will be to …
Personally smoke out bin Laden by myself and round-house kick him all the way back to America, where my United Fighting Arts Federation will handle the justice issues.
Make all Chuck Norris facts come true (well, not quite all of them – I'm a happily, married man!)
Looking over my campaign promises, I'm sure my liberal friends are even now rejoicing that I'm not really running for president. However, my hope is still out that Newt will jump into the race!
If I am elected president
Posted: June 11, 20071:00 a.m. Eastern
I was wondering the other day, if I ran for president, what would be my campaign promises?
I made a list I'm certain can get me elected.
If I'm elected president, I will…
Require members of Congress to work out on the Total Gym 15 minutes each day – or else they can't vote on anything.
Cut spending by dismissing the Secret Service, at least for my eight years in office (why would I need them?).
Resurrect Bruce Lee and appoint him head of homeland security (OK, the CIA and FBI too).
Give a presidential pardon to … no one, ever. Baretta was right in the '70s, "Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time. Don't do it!"
Turn the Rose Garden into a new fighting ring for the World Combat League, in which liberals and conservatives will fight for legislative leadership and priority. (For fun, Saturday night fights will feature a recurring bout between Hannity and Colmes). "American Idol" already told me they will provide the entertainment.
Require Bill Gates and Warren Buffet to personally pay for national, comprehensive medical coverage for every American (or meet me in the Rose Garden).
Increase jobs in America by sending ninja teams to sabotage and steal them back from other countries.
Tattoo an American flag with the words, "In God we trust," on the forehead of every atheist.
Give a tax credit to anyone naming their children Walker or Texas Ranger (excluding Will Farrell).
Resolve the Iraq war by bringing all of our military personnel home immediately, then going over there by myself for "martial arts negotiations."
Hang Saddam Hussein (Whoops – scratch that – already did it undercover).
Convey my plan for world peace to the United Nations: taking the governor of California with me on our "kick butt and ask questions later" USO world tour.
Give every new military enlistee abroad a copy of my upcoming new book, "The Threat of Justice," with the words, "Arnold and I will be back to pump you up!" above my autograph.
Bring on Donald Trump as my apprentice. When my presidential term is complete and he has obtained his black belt, or whichever comes first, he can buy the White House and of course rename it (to, what else, "The Trump House").
Create new immigration legislation: to deport all liberals (then force them to listen to Bill O' Reilly every day for five years, at which point they may return).
Ask producer Mark Barnett to film "Survivor – Camp David," where world leaders will meet annually, for an all-out cage-fighting championship. The winner will take home $1,000,000 in Disney Dollars, good in Europe or America.
Send an autographed photo of me and my horse (no dogs in my White House) to everyone who commits to read my new WorldNetDaily "presidential column" and blast a blog who dares to disagree with me.
Complete the plan to bring Tony Blair to the U.S. as my vice president.
Expose the real WMDs – my fists and feet.
Replace Letterman, Leno or Conan once monthly, since stand-up comedy is what most governmental officials do anyway.
Ask Al Gore to provide me with a special governmental study on the connection between spotted owl extinction and global warming. (I'm pretty sure Michael Moore will film the docudrama).
Help Rosie transition from "The View" to the pew – it might help her get over that anger problem. If the pew doesn't work, she can spar Trump in the Rose Garden.
First and foremost, however, my greatest priorities will be to …
Personally smoke out bin Laden by myself and round-house kick him all the way back to America, where my United Fighting Arts Federation will handle the justice issues.
Make all Chuck Norris facts come true (well, not quite all of them – I'm a happily, married man!)
Looking over my campaign promises, I'm sure my liberal friends are even now rejoicing that I'm not really running for president. However, my hope is still out that Newt will jump into the race!
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