Wicked Smart

Once upon a time there was a Decepticon named Megatron. He liked to frolic in the land of computer mice One day an Autobot named Optimus Prime wandered into the land of computer mice. Megatron and Optimus Prime spotted each other and the chemistry was instantaneous. They began kissing... And then moved on to more risque activities. "Take it all Megatron!" And then they switched, which was only fair... After awhile they moved on to something they both could enjoy at the same time... A poor Aflac duck walking by caught the forbidden lovers' tryst. "Aflac?" he asked, confused. He immediately alerted the media for a hefty sum which he blew on bread crumbs and lipo. Optimus Prime promptly held a press conference dismissing all of the charges. "I did not have sexual relations with that Deceptacon, Megatron."

Everyone just needs to fucking get over themselves. I'm sorry you seem to think I'm such a horrible person and that I'm not worth the time or energy but maybe you should take a big, fat look in the mirror and stop being so fucking dumb. I really could give a shit less about any of it anymore so don't even bother slinking back when you remove that stick from your ass.

So here is a conversation from my day.... Me: Did you like that I answered Steve Perry's left nipple to every answer on my myspace quiz? Linda: Yes, that was so funny! But Steve Perry is mine! (makes faux angry face causing me to giggle and in turn giggling herself) Me: Yeah but that's why it was funny. You can keep Steve Perry, I just want his left nipple. Linda: Did you see my myspace response? Me: No, not yet. Linda: Oh, I retaliated by taking George Clooney's right nipple. Me: What???? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!! Linda: Oh yeah, that's how I roll.... Me: You can't take George Clooney's right nipple! I need that! Linda: Well you took Steve Perry's left nipple!! Me: Yeah but that was funny, now we are talking about George!!!

So this guy at work and I find Chuck Norris to be hilarious. When I first got my white board my intention was to post important notices about word processing and various office tidbits. You know, don't forget your Purple or Gold sheets, UPS goes out at 3pm, having an allergic reaction to the perfume I'm NOT wearing does not give you the right to pull my hair and question my integrity. Very much just par for the course in the business world, right? Anyways, I digress...so I didn't have anything to post the first day I had my board and couldn't handle a white shiny thing staring at me all blank so I posted a list of the Chuck Norris facts. "On April 15th, Chuck Norris sends in a blank tax form and a picture of him, crouched and waiting to attack. He has never had to pay taxes. Ever." Stuff like that. So now it is pretty much expected around the office for me to keep entertaining items on the board at all time. I can't even fathom the whining that w...

Maybe this says something about my alcohol related experiences of yester year but I don't think I would feel safe lighting a fire under a giant bottle of Jager...but maybe that's just me?

Last weekend, pre-antibiotics, I went to the store to buy some Emergen-c. Really I feel that pharmacies should make it easier to find cold medicine because when you are sick its damn near impossible to actually figure out what is where and which is better. "Okay, so this one works for coughs, congestion and headaches but this one includes stuff for itchy throat but doesn't have the stuff for headaches. If I take this one for earaches it will interfere with this one that i would have to take for stomach aches." Just too confusing. So anyways after wandering around for a few minutes I decided to just go and ask the pharmacist for the over-the-counter "herbal supplement with 1,000 mg of vitamin c and 32 other essential minerals to provide energy." The pharmacist was helpful and said that they do carry it and grabbed a box from behind the counter. He rang it up and it was amazingly expensive (normally about $15 for a box of 38 packets), all of which seemed very weir...

Being sick sucks. Especially when it's nice outside and you want to walk down to the water and get some friggin frozen yogurt. But noooooooooooo, you have to get a sinus infection that brings new symptoms every single frigging day. There are the constants of course...congestions, sneezing, coughing, painful headache...but then there are the great new experiences, like vomiting on your own phlem. Although I would rather vomit on my own phlem than anyone elses cause I would be disturbed by that, 1 cause it is someone elses phlem but also because i am completely unaware as to how I would ever swallow a gallon of someone elses phlem, even my imaginary pool boy Giovanni's. On second thought though, I just sort of assume all pool boys are gay so i think the chances of me or any other woman swallowing G's phlem are very slim. So now I get to take wannabe penicillian 3 times a day for the next 10 days but "probably won't feel better until Monday" so will be spend...

If you can pronounce correctly every word in this poem, you will be speaking English better than 90% of the native English speakers in the world. After trying the verses, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six months of hard labour to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself. Dearest creature in creation, Study English pronunciation. I will teach you in my verse Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse. I will keep you, Suzy, busy, Make your head with heat grow dizzy. Tear in eye, your dress will tear. So shall I! Oh hear my prayer. Just compare heart, beard, and heard ,Dies and diet, lord and word, Sword and sward, retain and Britain. (Mind the latter, how it's written.) Now I surely will not plague you With such words as plaque and ague. But be careful how you speak: Say break and steak, but bleak and streak; Cloven, oven, how and low, Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe. Hear me say, devoid of trickery, Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore, Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles...

So I've come to realize two things this week...well actually three but one was sort of a given and isn't anything new... #1: Epiphany: An easy lay outweighs logic every time. Sub-epiphany: Boys are stupid. Action: There really isn't any besides becoming a lesbian and that's just gross and so not going to happen. #2: Epiphany: I'm too nice. Sub-epiphany: It's tiring being "sweet". Corrective action: Go back to bitchy Jamie-ness. Man I miss bitchy Jamie, she was just so funny! And those of you reading this obviously must be my friends so therefore you are on the good (read: lucky) side of of me, so you all can enjoy the funniness of bitchy Jamie from the safety of the "inner circle". It might take me awhile to get the groove back but I'm sure in no time at all I will be back to calling people pretending to be from the sperm bank and letting them know they are infertile and staring at them like they are morons for no reason at all. #3: Epiph...

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in dual ceremony.The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home...

He adored her. She had a classic shape, a 91.44 – 60.96 - 91.44 centimetre body. But it wasn’t only her physical appearance; she loved cars, sports, all his favourite movies. On their first date, he took her to a football game where they had seats on the 45.72 meter line, shared a few 1.126 litres of beer, and ate 30.48 centimetre long hot dogs. Afterwards they went to see Jules Verne’s classic film, 111,111.107 Kilometres Under the Sea . Leaving the theatre, she asked if sometime he might like to see her favourite movie, Mary Poppins . Turned out it was one of his favourites too. Shyly he admitted, "I love it when she sings, ‘4.929 millilitres of sugar helps the medicine go down.’" She smiled warmly, pleased. "Aw, gee, I love your smile," he said. "I’d walk 1,609,347.042 kilometres for one of your smiles." They made plans to see Mary Poppins , and also God’s Little 0.405 Hectare . He drove her home in his red Mustang. "Oooooh," she ...

This week has been rather interesting. I am unable to stay awake past 8:30 for some reason, mainly I think because it is way too cold to be out in the living room and so I end up watching a movie huddled under the covers in my bed and as my bed can be the most comfortable thing in the entire world somedays I fall asleep. First though I convince myself that I will just listen to the movie with my eyes closed and then I wake up much later that night with the "DVD" thing flashing all around the screen, the movie having been over for hours. On the plus side I have been much more rested than normal and am not having any issues waking up on time, which has been a problem since our dear friend Woody has packed up his pecker and left. Speaking of peckers packing, Red Truck Guy is no longer. Now we are just stuck with the lesser good looking, committed to some some skanky 18 year old neighbor. Oh how we miss Red Truck Guy...with his Red Truck and overall guyness. Now who will li...

Okay seriously...it's a fetus. A FETUS!!!! It is not "cute", its not "precious", it's a blurry 2D photo of a goopy transluscent specimen that won't even be a human being until it's born in August. It cannot survive out of the womb, it is not fully developed and I'm sorry but Jonah is just about the stupidest name I've ever heard...Stop gushing over the blob!!!!

Another amazing example of architecture, design and technology coming together! The Millau viaduct is part of the new E11 expressway connecting Paris and Barcelona and features the highest bridge piers ever constructed. The tallest is 240 meters (787 feet) high and the overall height will be an impressive 336 meters (1102 fe et), making this the highest bridge in the world.Beautiful! What a view! 787 feet high!

Autumn and I are sitting here this morning, watching some crappy Jennifer Aniston movie (I'm on Team Angelina), both of us woken at 6:30 am by a freakin woodpecker AGAIN (at least he doesn't laugh like Woody or else we both would have shot him already) and discussing where we would rather be. The conclusion after looking outside at the grey skies and wet deck leftover from last night's rain? Some tropical beach where it's 80 degrees, sun beating down in a cloudless blue sky...no birds chirping and drinking something fruity with an umbrella in it served to us on a silver platter by an exotic man named Rico with abs of steel all shiny with lotion that smells of coconut (but not Body Builder steel or shininess cause that's just creepy and disgusting), waves lapping gently. It was at the waves lapping part that Autumn stopped my daydream and asked me to repeat that. Apparently it sounded like I said the waves were laughing and i was like well yeah, they saw us in ou...

As a public service of this blog, we now present to you some timely advice on sex and love from a 1917 medical manual written by the well-respected doctor of medical things pertaining to women, William J. Robinson, M.D., editor of the American Journal of Sexology. On Single Mothers:"If a woman is so unfortunate as to be unable to get anybody to produce an abortion, she gives birth to an illegitimate child, which she is forced in most cases to put away in an institution of some sort where she hopes and prays it may die soon..." On Virginity:"Some men of a low moral and mental character are under the influence of the pernicious idea that if a girl has lost her virginity--no matter under what circumstances--she no longer amounts to much and is free prey for everybody who may want her." On Homosexuality:"A homosexual, man or woman, has no right to marry. Homosexuality is hereditary, and nobody has a right to bring homosexuals into the world, for there is no unhappi...

Saturday night and I'm home doing laundry and watching a bootlegged copy of Madagascar....how pathetic is this? But more importantly how did I end up here? Three words really...poor money management. I wonder how old I will have to be in order to get that whole check book balancing thing people talk about? Oh well, its not so bad, everyone who was going to go out to Todd's birthday party, Todd included, is in the same boat and hanging out at their respective homes. So I guess this works for me. We've rescheduled his party for next Friday which is payday so there will be much rejoicing with liquor and the like. Woo hoo! Work this week was very exciting. We got a new binding machine on Monday. It's seriously the coolest thing ever! I had to go around and show everyone, noone outside of the admin group was very thrilled about it. They just don't get how awesome this thing really is. To go from 10 sheets at a time to a 1/4 inch of paper is the coolest thing and such a t...

Last night I went a little crazy from lack of sleep. I brought out a movie and my roommie and I settled on to the couch to watch it. She started to fall asleep which really wouldn't be an issue but she farts and snores while sleeping and I wasn't in the mood for either so began tapping her with an empty water bottle. When that started to lose its effectiveness I took the green marker I was working with (I really was doing work for work) and started to color her hair. Thank goodness she is blonde, it really shows the green, tee hee. It wasn't until I backed away that I could see just how green that section of her hair really had become. She became very annoyed with me, having been woken from slumber to a giggling roommate and green hair, so did what is the worst possible punishment and stuck her nasty ass foot in my face. (In case you didn't know, I hate feet, they are all gross and should be left at least 4 1/2 feet from my face at all times.) So I colored the bot...

A is for Age: I'm ageless, but if you're getting picky I'm technically Ж years old. B is for Best Friend: Mankind. The people, not the wrestler. C is for Career: I'm pretty content overseeing all of creation, but I think what I'd really like to do is make short films. I've been working on this script for a while. It's kinda like Clerks, except it takes place on the edge of infinity. D is for Drink of Choice: I'm mostly sober these days. Last time I drank it was bourbon, and I don't remember exactly what happened but when I woke up my knee was scraped, my head was killing me, and 150,000 people in Indonesia had died. LOL :p E is for Essential Item: My magic wand. From raising the sun to making the Virgin Mary appear, I literally can't do anything without it. F is for Favorite Song at the Moment: "God Only Knows," by The Beach Boys. G is for Favorite Game: OMG I am totally addicted to The Sims. I love playing Me with no consequences. H is...

A few things I have learned this week... 1. The two words you never want to hear your dentist say while working on you: flame shaper. Yep, you heard that correctly. While sitting innocently in my dentist chair, mouth pried open my dentist asked his assistant to hand him the flame shaper. Of course I cocked my head and stared at him confused, omitting something along the lines of "huh?" but having dental objects shoved in my completely numb mouth it was competely unintelligible. I envisioned the dentist grabbing a propane tank-like item, getting one of those masks and pushing the face protector over his face and the blue flame shot out of the nozzle and he bent over me saying "This might hurt, but only for a moment." My theory is that nothing...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in my mouth should need shaping by flame. Glass is shaped by flame. Teeth...um, not so much. In actuality there were no special masks, no propane tanks...I never actually saw the elusive flame shaper but wha...