Wicked Smart

Picture it: Bellevue, Friday, 8:15am. I'm driving my cute, little car to work, excited as ever to go and do some editing when I get stuck behind a rather disgusting truck, filled to the brim with yard supplies and covered in piles of mud. I don't actually know that you can have PILES of mud vs. one giant mud spot but whatever, for the sake of my story it's piles. The truck in question? Doing 20 MPH in a 35 zone. Bastards. The least the land owners could have done while picking up their Mexicans at Lowe's is teach them how to read a speed limit sign. After 10 minutes of driving on what should have been a 3 minute drive (there might be the teeniest possibility I drive slightly over the speed limit but whatever, this story isn't about me!) I finally turn and manage to get away from him, hooray! Only to moments later find myself smack behind a shredding company truck going a mere 30 MPH (which is still not 35 but it's an improvement...not a vast improvement ...

Things I cannot do thanks to my incredible painful sunburn (evil sun): sit lay down bend over take a shower wash my hair put on bra wear bra take off bra put on clothes wear clothes take off clothes lift arms fold arms carry anything hold my purse reach out drive steer turn radio on turn radio off have fan blow on me have anything touch me sleep cut vegetables open jars shake ketchup bottle walk around Target apply aloe vera without stamping foot and saying "ow" brush hair put hair up wear makeup go out in the sun blow my nose brush my teeth visit the statue of liberty

1. This is not McDonalds, we do not have nuggets so DO NOT leave them in the toilet. Just cause they float doesn't make them a yacht. We are women for Christ's sake, we don't do stuff like that. Turn around and take a gander, if there's poo flush it. It's that metal lever over to the side. I do not want to see that you had corn last night for dinner, that's your business, not mine. Yuck. 2. DO NOT TURN OFF THE LIGHT! Holy crap what is wrong with you fools???? The light is attached to the fan, there are no windows, no ventilation of any kind, even the hall is enclosed on either side by giant oak doors! Make a smell, it becomes stagnant. Stagnant smells make me vomity, only I can't vomit in a public toilet where there are floaties! This is not a matter of sustainability, this is a matter of aulfactory preservation. 3. No pubic shavings at work. Ever. See October 10, 2007 Blog "Today was a Pube-Free Day". 4. There is no reason for the seat t...

Sometimes I will sit there and think it is so weird that Autumn has never had a Whopper, Big Mac, Chicken Nuggets, or Fish Sandwich. I kind of feel bad for her. Then I get over it and continue with my day.

I would just like to give an open thanks to the girl who threw up on me last night in Neumos, causing me to vomit several times in response. That was sweet. My shoe had a new squishy quality to it and the smell was truely, truely, truely outrageous. Nothing like having to live in vomit, with the poor bartender scuttling us to the bench by the door from the very beginning of the concert. I can honestly say that was a new experience. I would also like to say that I will hunt you down like a dog if I catch diptherea or get any sort of fungus from your stranger puke. I'm assuming the loads of alcohol you consumed prior to the upchucking killed off any bacteria you may have gotten from whichever guy you picked up this week but if not, prepare for the wrath!

I am actually in a good mood, however I felt it was time to let everyone know the things that irritate me. These are the things I say I hate, even though mostly I'm just mildly annoyed, but hate is a much funnier word than annoyed. I'm sure there will be many modifications to this list as life goes on (by the way, I hate that Kelli girl from Life Goes On but can't hate the show as it had the Beatles as it's theme song and showcased a "neurologically diverse" individual, making it the longest PSA known to man, and you can't hate a show with the beatles playing for a good cause.) #1: Bicyclists. Hate them, hate them, hate them. This, however, is not a case of mild annoyance, this is actual want-to-hit them-with-my-car, knocking-them-off-their-bike-and-then-go-and-steal-their-pants-then-continously-flick-them-in-the-eye-with-their-spandex-spankies-hate. They do not follow the rules of the road and yet insist upon driving on MY road, street, avenue, boulevard,...

Start at the beginning, go to the end, then stop. This is how life flows, however my life has flown into a very crazy and slightly frightening turn. Why? you may ask. Well I will tell you why, as I am nice and wouldn't just leave you hanging. I am being stalked by Huey Lewis and the News. I'm not kidding. About two weeks ago my ipod, Kung Pao Chang (so named because I adopted him from China where he was "assembled" by tiny kids over 17 hours in an Apple orphanage, and Kung Pao Chicken is my favorite Chinese food) decided to play the entire Huey Lewis and the News (hereafter referred to as HLN) Greatest Hits Cd over the course of an afternoon and random intervals. Then I went home and flipped on the telly only to have HLN come blaring out at me from some show. Some driving in the car, listening to the radio as I cowered from Kung Pao in fear of HLN, only to have not one but TWO (2) HLN songs play on different stations!!!!! This has gone on over the last two weeks. I li...

Sent at 2:00 PM on Friday spammy.anna: is it 5 yet? cause that would make me happy Jamie: no, 3 more hours spammy.anna: dammit janey janet not janey i don't even know who janey is Jamie: maybe if you weren't such a snob you would know her spammy.anna: me a snob i think this is an instance of the pot calling the kettle black Jamie: i disagree i'm not a snob if my judgements are correct and funny spammy.anna: i'm not sure that is true Jamie: do i want to drive all the way to lynnwood tomorrow? spammy.anna: what's in it for you? Jamie: i get to pay a ton of money for a movie spammy.anna: then no Jamie: but am i mean if i make cheryl drive to bellevue to see a movie? spammy.anna: snobnouna person regarded as arrogant and annoying Jamie: i am not annoying! spammy.anna: see, it has nothing to do with whether or not you are funny Jamie: yes but i'm not annoying so therefore i cant' possibly be a snob spammy.anna: is condescending or overbearing to others. no, i do ...

So this isn't my story but it was so freakin funny I had to share. It made me laugh so hard I had to share Ryan's brilliance with everyone. P.S. he's not retarded, he's Australian... An aside note before we get right into the story: why are the words "negligence" and "negligee" so similar? One is a very sexy concept, and the other is not. Are they built off another word that they are both kind of related to? All these questions and more can possibly be answered by either the shorter , the longer , or perhaps even the much fucking longer Oxford English Dictionary. Man, I wish I had $3000 and a bookshelf. Luckily, five pounds and an arse pocket will suffice. Here's what the Collins Gem pocket-size Scrabble Dictionary had to say: NEGLIGEE: woman's lightweight, usu. lace-trimmed dressing gown. Hang on a second. Negligence is not in the Collins Gem pocket-size Scrabble Dictionary. That's surprising. I would be very surprised if I ...

You Are Dasher You're an independent minded reindeer who never plays by the rules. Why You're Naughty: That little coup you tried to stage against Santa last year Why You're Nice: You secretly give naughty children presents. Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

I just elfed myself and a couple of uber important friends for a song and dance. Check it out here... http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=9635875959 ! Happy Holidays!

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question..."

One day, Orange Puffy Guy was watching the telly. Nothing interesting was on. So he started drinking. Some of his friends, such as Yellow Fuzzy Guy and Pink Shiny Gal, worry about his drinking but he swears he can handle it... After a few drinks he sadly started drunk dialing. None of his friends found Orange Puffy Guy's antics to be amusing so they all hung up on him. This did not deter him. He just decided to get ready and go out alone. He was sure he would meet cool new people. Unfortunately, in his drunken state he forgot he was Orange Puffy GUY and put on some makeup. And tried on some of his mother's heels.... Luckily, his mother saw him before he made it out of the house and made him wash his orange face and wear his own shoes. Good thing too because later that evening he ran into a gang of Wild Ninjas that were kick ass. They surely would have brought the pain if he had still been in drag. But because he was Orange and Puffy they allowed him to hang with their tota...

Adrianne: where did jamie go Adrianne: i page..no answer... Linda: i dunno maybe Adrianne: she was eaten up by a ninja? Linda: that's a good guess Adrianne: sadness...should we have a ninja funeral? Linda: we so should Linda: we should find the ninjas who did this and avenge her Adrianne: hmmm..but first we have to find her body..... Adrianne: Oh yeah... Linda: you don't need a body for a funeral Adrianne: oh that's true... Adrianne: but what if we wanted to send her off in the water like vikings? Linda: do ninjas do that? Adrianne: I don't know Adrianne: maybe Adrianne: when we tie up the other ninja's we can ask them Linda: good plan Linda: now other people are wondering where she is Adrianne: I know Adrianne: wait wiat Adrianne: wait Adrianne: I hear her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Linda: where is she? Adrianne: in the production room now Linda: what have they done to her? Adrianne: lol Adrianne: nothing....she must have ran away Linda: hmmm, or they let her go since she sw...

Jamie No Booth says: i need entertainment Jamie No Booth says: i'm dying from boredom here kristalou *komen says: what up sista? kristalou *komen says: i didn't know boredom was fatal Jamie No Booth says: it so is Jamie No Booth says: first it makes you do actual work Jamie No Booth says: and then you go crazy and die kristalou *komen says: so you are telling me this involves a process. . . Jamie No Booth says: yep Jamie No Booth says: its a three step process kristalou *komen says: good to know. Jamie No Booth says: yep Jamie No Booth says: look for the warning signs kristalou *komen says: 1. . .2. . .3. . .dead Jamie No Booth says: pretty much kristalou *komen says: warning signs? Jamie No Booth says: yep Jamie No Booth says: antsiness Jamie No Booth says: sleepiness Jamie No Booth says: excessive swivling in swivel chair Jamie No Booth says: trying to make a non swivel chair swivel kristalou *komen says: not sure what to say to that. . . Jamie No Booth says: making a hallowe...

I have the best mother in the world. She has always been there for me, supporting me and my ideals even when they conflicted with her own. Part of her awesomness stems from her always supporting my selfishness. She believes it would be wrong for me to get married and have kids now as she realizes I aspire for more than that in my life. So there has always been the encouragement to go and travel, continue my edumacation, buy lots of shoes and spend all my money on me (so long as I occassionally purchase a pressie for her). Part of her acceptance has to do with the fact that she has kids that are already married and provided her 5 grandchildren so that wish has been fulfilled. Apparently those nag-free days are over. Saturday morning I get a call from my mother but I couldn't reach my phone in time so she left a message. (That's what she gets for calling at 8:58 am). I check my voicemail and hear my cute grandma-esque mother say the following: "So I'm looking at this cat...

Yesterday at work I was sitting at my desk, working uber hard, as always, when Linda came up to me with a bit of a shocked look on her face. Leaning over she semi-wispered "there are pubes in the women's bathroom". I looked up from my computer screen that had nothing but work related documents and web pages on it, cocked my head and said "huh?" (as noone really ever expects their coworker to say the sentence "there are pubes in the women's bathroom" so it's a bit shocking when they do) and she said a little louder "there are pubes in the women's bathroom, like a pile". So what does one say when there are pubes in the bathroom? Of course I responded with "How exactly is there a pile of pubes in the bathroom?". She said she didn't know but held up her hands and made circle to indicate the size of the pile o pubes. It was large. Too large to just be a stray pube mistakenly pulled out by undies. Soon word spread,...