Wicked Smart

Picture it: Bellevue, Friday, 8:15am. I'm driving my cute, little car to work, excited as ever to go and do some editing when I get stuck behind a rather disgusting truck, filled to the brim with yard supplies and covered in piles of mud. I don't actually know that you can have PILES of mud vs. one giant mud spot but whatever, for the sake of my story it's piles. The truck in question? Doing 20 MPH in a 35 zone. Bastards. The least the land owners could have done while picking up their Mexicans at Lowe's is teach them how to read a speed limit sign. After 10 minutes of driving on what should have been a 3 minute drive (there might be the teeniest possibility I drive slightly over the speed limit but whatever, this story isn't about me!) I finally turn and manage to get away from him, hooray! Only to moments later find myself smack behind a shredding company truck going a mere 30 MPH (which is still not 35 but it's an improvement...not a vast improvement ...

Things I cannot do thanks to my incredible painful sunburn (evil sun): sit lay down bend over take a shower wash my hair put on bra wear bra take off bra put on clothes wear clothes take off clothes lift arms fold arms carry anything hold my purse reach out drive steer turn radio on turn radio off have fan blow on me have anything touch me sleep cut vegetables open jars shake ketchup bottle walk around Target apply aloe vera without stamping foot and saying "ow" brush hair put hair up wear makeup go out in the sun blow my nose brush my teeth visit the statue of liberty

1. This is not McDonalds, we do not have nuggets so DO NOT leave them in the toilet. Just cause they float doesn't make them a yacht. We are women for Christ's sake, we don't do stuff like that. Turn around and take a gander, if there's poo flush it. It's that metal lever over to the side. I do not want to see that you had corn last night for dinner, that's your business, not mine. Yuck. 2. DO NOT TURN OFF THE LIGHT! Holy crap what is wrong with you fools???? The light is attached to the fan, there are no windows, no ventilation of any kind, even the hall is enclosed on either side by giant oak doors! Make a smell, it becomes stagnant. Stagnant smells make me vomity, only I can't vomit in a public toilet where there are floaties! This is not a matter of sustainability, this is a matter of aulfactory preservation. 3. No pubic shavings at work. Ever. See October 10, 2007 Blog "Today was a Pube-Free Day". 4. There is no reason for the seat t...